Adam Proteau discusses Phil Kessel's move to Vegas, the remaining off-season for the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens, as well as what the field of teams could look like for the 2024 World Cup of Hockey.
It’s time for a new Screen Shots column. Regular readers know we use this space to discuss a few hockey topics in a more brief format. Let’s get right down to business, shall we?
– One of the more recognisable names on the unrestricted free agent market – former Bruins/Leafs/Penguins/Coyotes sniper Phil Kessel – came off the market late Wednesday when Kessel signed a one-year, $1.5 million contract with the Vegas Golden Knights. This isn’t a bad move for Vegas, which now is (according to CapFriendly.com) more than $7.2 million over the salary cap upper limit. However, offence probably wasn’t going to be a problem for the Golden Knights before Kessel signed, what with star forwards Mark Stone, Jack Eichel and Jonathan Marchessault on board. Kessel will replace some of the point production lost by the cap-necessitated trading of star forward Max Pacioretty, but Kessel projects to be a third-line winger for Vegas, meaning his offensive numbers last season in Arizona (44 assists and 52 points in 82 games) aren’t likely to be much better. No, the biggest area of concern for the Golden Knights is in net, as management has yet to address the season-ending injury to starter Robin Lehner. They did say they'll go with a tandem of 25-year-old Logan Thompson and 29-year-old journeyman Laurent Brossoit; the two goalies combined to play only 43 NHL games last season, with neither standing out for above-average play. The Golden Knights’ veteran top-four defencemen will make life somewhat easier on their goalies, but there’s a genuine and legitimate concern that problems between the pipes will sink the team. As noted, Vegas still has work to get under the salary cap ceiling, so we’re probably not looking at the final roster that will take the ice on opening night. But there is not a plethora of even average goalies available, which means Golden Knights GM Kelly McCrimmon may have to wait until the season begins for an experienced hand in net to trade for. Kessel should do well in new coach Bruce Cassidy’s system, but nobody should pretend his signing will be the difference in Vegas making or missing the playoffs. That’s going to come down to their net-minding; right now, the picture in net is rather cloudy. – As the free agent market place dries up, attention will turn to NHL teams that still have work to do before the regular season begins. Two of those teams – namely, the Original Six arch-rivals in Montreal and Toronto – are still expected to make moves of note during or before training camps begin in late September. Under GM Kent Hughes, the Canadiens will probably make roster moves all season long as they continue their full rebuild. As such, current Habs veterans Evgeni Dadonov and newly-acquired experienced hands Sean Monahan and Michael Matheson are believed to be on the trade block. So too is goaltender Jake Allen – perhaps there’s a fit with Vegas for the 32-year-old – and perhaps even forwards Christian Dvorak and Josh Anderson could also be moved. There’s much room for more turnover in Montreal, and Hughes’ task is to turn those veterans into younger, better players for the long-term. Meanwhile, in Toronto, the Maple Leafs are currently $1.4 million over the cap ceiling, leaving GM Kyle Dubas no choice but to trim his line-up before the season begins. The Leafs also have restricted free agent defenceman Rasmus Sandin still to sign, which means Dubas has to cut deeper than just a single move. This is why many believe Dubas will be trading veteran defenceman Justin Holl and his $2-million salary and forward Alex Kerfoot ($3.5 million). Kerfoot and Holl are in the final years of their contracts, making them more appealing rentals for teams in contention, and Toronto fans can’t expect Dubas to get much in return for their services. What the Leafs will get when they trade them is cap space. That’s the asset. Moving them both would open up $5.5 million in space, allowing Dubas some flexibility in-season to address necessary moves. They’re at far different stages in their development, but the Habs and Buds should be active on the trade market sooner rather than later. And Montreal and Toronto fans and media will be eating up all the attendant drama. – Finally, the NHL reiterated that there are still plans in place to stage a new World Cup of Hockey in February of 2024. NHL deputy GM Bill Daly told NHL.com the league intends to put on a two-week tournament featuring 10 teams that would be narrowed to eight teams after a qualifying round. However, the prospect of creating a tournament that wouldn’t include Russia – who are currently banned from any business partnership with the league or NHL players’ association – continues to raise eyebrows. Without the Russians, who continue to fight a despicable war of aggression in Ukraine, the overall pool of talent available in a World Cup would thin out fairly dramatically. We all hope saner heads prevail soon and Russia leaves Ukraine alone, but with every passing month, the chance of their participation in a World Cup drops. Sooner or later, logistically speaking, the league needs to nail down participating countries, and the league may have no option but to move ahead without the Russians.
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TSN.ca Staff
Columbus Blue Jackets forward Alexandre Texier will not join the team for the 2022-23 season, per the recommendation from the NHL/NHLPA Substance Abuse and Behavioural Health Programme.
"During the past year, I have experienced some personal issues and challenges and I feel I need to be close to my family at this time," Texier said in a statement. "I have love and respect for the city of Columbus, the Blue Jackets, and the fans as everyone has always treated me first-class. I truly appreciate the support, help and empathy I have received from team management, the coaching staff, doctors, trainers and my team mates. This was a hard decision, but it is the best one for me right now. There are way better opes in France." The Jackets will not pay Texier next season, but the 22-year-old will be allowed to sign a one-year contract in Europe. Texier, who is a native of France, scored 11 goals and nine assists over 36 games with the Blue Jackets in 2021-22, his fourth campaign in Columbus. He was granted a leave of absence in March after suffering a fractured finger in late January. "Alexandre Texier and I recently had a very long conversation in which he indicated to me that he was not ready to resume his career in the NHL at this time," Blue Jackets general manager Jarmo Kekalainen said in a release. "While we are disappointed Tex will not be joining us for the 2022-23 season as we anticipated, his mental health and well-being remain our top priority and we will continue to support him in any way we can." Texier has scored 22 goals and 27 assists over 123 games after the Blue Jackets selected him in the second round of the 2017 NHL Entry Draft. He also has seven points in 18 career playoff games. TSN.ca Staff
The NHL is continuing to move forward with plans to hold the World Cup of Hockey in 2024 and hoping to play the tournament on two continents, deputy commissioner Bill Daly confirmed Wednesday. "We're moving full steam ahead and that means we're continuing to have regular meetings," Daly said during the NHL's European Player Media Tour, per NHL.com. "We still want to play one pool in Europe, a preliminary round pool in Europe and a preliminary round pool in North America and move the semi-finals and the final to a different city in North America likely," added Daly, who said in March the tournament would return to having a traditional field made up of individual countries. "I think that short list would universally encompass more traditional hockey markets." The tournament was last held in 2016 and, for the first time, had a team North America, made up of Canadian and American players under the age of 23, and a Team Europe with players from Austria, Denmark, France, Germany, Norway, Slovakia, Slovenia, and Switzerland. Daly noted the status of Russia, currently banned from IIHF events, is uncertain for the tournament which would likely be held in February 2024. He noted two teams could be added to create a field of 10 teams, with a qualification round to drop back to eight nations. "I think longer term, that's our plan to have a qualification tournament at another time during the calendar," Daly said. "Given the short timeframe we have between now and February 2024, if we have a qualification stage, I think it's part of the tournament." Team Canada defeated Team Europe 2-0 in a best-of-three series to claim the title in 2016. The tournament was the last time many NHL stars represented their countries as the league elected not send players to 2018 and 2022 Olympics. There have been three previous World Cup of Hockey tournaments, with Toronto playing host in 2016 and 2004, and Montreal and Philadelphia sharing hosting duties in 1996. Canada won each of the previous two events, while the United States won the debut tournament in 1996. By Tom English BBC Scotland Football's capacity to punish the profligate is alive and well, as are Rangers in the Champions League.
Antonio Colak - or Goalak as we may as well call him given the wonderful beginning to his life as a Rangers man - did what a battalion of PSV men singularly failed to do in an increasingly slapstick fashion, as a dramatic evening in Eindhoven wore on. In finding the net on the hour, Colak not only fired his team into a promised land of glory and riches, he also condemned the hosts to a purgatory entirely of their own making. Luuk de Jong could have changed the story had he not failed by inches to convert a cross when the tie was still level. Ibrahim Sangare could have done it, but he couldn't execute a free header from a corner. Ismael Saibari could have turned it in PSV's favour, but his shot was deflected narrowly wide. De Jong had a second bite, but his effort went straight at the excellent Jon McLaughlin. Cody Gakpo - pursued by half of the heavy-hitting clubs on the continent, so we're told - should have put PSV ahead, but he scooped his shot over the Rangers crossbar. That was all before half-time. Rangers needed that whistle like they needed their next breath. Five chances in seven minutes. Hanging on. Surviving, but for how long? Offering little down the other end, but it couldn't continue, could it? PSV would have been frustrated but surely calm in the belief that something would stick sooner or later. Rangers couldn't get out, couldn't find much accuracy, couldn't offer much hope to their supporters who, in their own minds, must have been steeling themselves to say their goodbyes to the possibilities of Thursday's draw, the hope of a Real Madrid and a Liverpool, the glamour of a Manchester City and a Juventus. Hello, Europa League, old friend. We're back. Then, wow! Tom Lawrence hit the PSV crossbar with a lusty hit that Walter Benitez in goal never got close to. PSV reacted like a prize fighter who'd suddenly taken a heavy shot flush on the chin. Not down, but dazed. Then, double wow! Andre Ramalho was probably entitled to miss the danger presented by Malik Tillman in that moment because Tillman hadn't really been mapped offensively to that point. The Bayern Munich loanee worked hard to get involved in the game, but the most powerful telescopic lens couldn't have picked him out in the opening hour. What did it matter, though, when he could pounce as he did, ransacking Ramalho and squaring for Colak to score? The game is about big moments and this was a seismic one. A mega-money goal, one of the most glorious tap-ins in Rangers' history. The striker dumped Rangers out of the Champions League last season as poacher-in-chief for Malmo. For Rangers, this was a delicious example of poacher turned game-winner. Giovanni van Bronckhorst made a very wise decision when bringing the big Croat to Glasgow. Strong and ruthless and with five goals in his last six games, he's been a revelation. Three of the five have been in the testing ground of Europe. The guy has had to live off scraps in these games with PSV and yet he's ended up with two goals. There's another Rangers striker who was sitting at home in Glasgow who could learn much from Colak's hunger. Van Bronckhorst made another wise call in leaving Alfredo Morelos at home. Strong leadership, that. No sugar coating it. No camouflaging the reasons why the striker wasn't on the trip. By leaving Morelos behind in Glasgow, and then explaining precisely why he did it, he displayed a non-negotiable regard for standard-setting. This was a terrific night for the manager in every way. Colak's goal rocked PSV to their core. All the while you sensed that they couldn't go on missing their chances, but they did. Philipp Max failed to find the target. McLaughlin denied Gakpo. Armando Obispo lashed one wide. Rangers dug in and saw it out. They'd only won a single away game in Europe since the beginning of last season. They'd lost the last four and hadn't scored in three of them. They had a lot to overcome - the Morelos circus and the pressure PSV applied - but this is a team that is used to winning all or nothing matches, albeit usually at home. This time they brought the party on the road. A doggedness got them through. It was a doggedness we saw an awful lot from them last season, a character that has taken them to where they want to be - in with the truly big boys of Europe. PSV will bemoan their finishing, but let them. They will be sickened by their wastefulness but Rangers will leave them to their post-mortem. They have six wonderful examinations of their own to think about instead. The draw is on Thursday. Two Scottish teams in there for the first time in a decade and a half. It's heady stuff.
The Arizona Coyotes will play at the newly named Mullet Arena, named after a pair of Arizona State University donors.
This might be one of the best arena names in the NHL.
The Arizona Coyotes newest rink, the 5,000 seat arena at Arizona State University, will be named Mullet Arena after philanthropists and ASU donors Donald and Barbara Mullet. The Coyotes are set to play at Mullet Arena from 2022-23 until the 2024-25 season, with an option to stay there until 2025-26. The move comes after the Coyotes played 18 years in Glendale. Earlier this year, the Coyotes announced that they reached a multi-year agreement with ASU to play in the multi-use facility that is located in Tempe. The Coyotes are looking to stay in Tempe in their own mega facility a few years down the line.
A wee FYI to anyone that reads this: basically since this site has been revised, at least ONE Easter Egg has been included with each article. I've tried to keep them cute and safe for work, but since no one has mentioned any of them I suspect no one has noticed.
For fun, I suggest going back to the earlier posts and checking them all out. The themes are all fairly obvious. Woodrow Roosevelt Clithrust III.
Lance Hornby Toronto Scum
You can admire Ken Dryden’s six Stanley Cups, his Hockey Hall of Fame ring, the Order of Canada and contributions as author, politician, businessman and social commentator.
But the one experience most would envy was that he was on both sides of the glass in the final days of the ’72 Summit Series. Before skating the length of Luzhnicki Arena to join the celebration after Paul Henderson’s Game 8 winner, Dryden spent two of the four contests in Moscow among the Canadian fans who’d made the trip and helped turn the tide. On the cover of The Series, his new book reflecting on its 50-year anniversary, there’s a glimpse of his brown mop amid a sea of fans and flags, clapping along with fellow scratch Serge Savard in Game 5. “That was a real surprise seeing that picture after so many years,” Dryden laughed. “The early idea for the cover was to have a (formal) picture of me on it somewhere, but now I can say I’m on there.” There were 22.2 million people in Canada in ’72, more than four million watching Game 8 on TV and hundreds who sent good luck telegrams that wallpapered Team Canada’s dressing room. But 3,000 had the trip of a lifetime and Dryden sat among them. “Amazing,” he recalled. “I’ve been asked many times what I remember most about the series and it was the Canadians in Moscow. Less so than being in the crowd, was being more aware of them when I was playing. “I try to put it into context in the book. This is ’72, not a time when a lot of Canadians have been to Europe and almost no one to Eastern Europe. Yet, here are 3,000 in Moscow, long before bucket lists where people with a lot of money decide they want to go to certain places so they’ll have stories to tell. “These people probably made as much as the average person and went over for some feeling they had about hockey and Canada, some connection between the two they didn’t necessarily understand. But they knew they had to be there. Not only were they there, they sounded like they were there. It was fantastic.” On TV sets back home, above Foster Hewitt and Bob Cole’s play-by-play and the incessant whistling of Russian fans trying to drown them out, the Canadians’ clever chant of ‘Da, Da Canada, Nyet Nyet Soviet’ could be heard. It was music to Dryden’s ears and the rest of the players. “Da, Da Canada … that was all spontaneous. Somebody somewhere in the crowd, probably with some buddies and probably drunk, messed around with some words and it sounded good. Eventually, 3,000 are repeating it. “(The Russians) couldn’t discourage them. For Canadian fans, this was their fight to win.”
DRYDEN'S NEW BOOK: 'THE SERIES' STIRS MEMORIES OF '72 COMEBACK
Ken Dryden was looking everywhere for his missing goalie skate.
Other Team Canada mates were already half dressed for practice in Winnipeg, but Dryden was still trying to locate his boot, wary of looking any more flustered than he’d been a few nights earlier. Lit up 7-3 by the Soviets in the Montreal meltdown, he was now slotted as back-up to Tony Esposito entering Game 3 of the Summit Series. Eventually he found the boot, which some unpitying person had used to prop open the dressing room door. Amused team mate Red Berenson watched Dryden’s skate search, chirping ‘it’s the only thing it’s stopped all week’. Fast forward 50 years and Dryden can still put himself in that situation, as low as a goalie could go as part of a perceived national disgrace. He’d have lots of company, as 30-plus Canucks would leave home a few days later, winning just one of four contests, booed off the ice in Vancouver and given little chance of redemption in Russia. “It was a challenge in a few different ways,” says Dryden, as we talk about The Series, his newest book on the iconic clash of sport and culture that few have forgotten and many are re-discovering. “Everything goes wrong and you have to find a way to make it go right. There’s not much point in wallowing around, the next game has to be won, and you have to find a way to be part of that. At the same time (versus a mystery foe), you’re not entirely sure how to make that happen.” This wasn’t an upset loss by his mighty Montreal Canadiens to the California Golden Seals. This was the greatest ever NHL assemblage that was supposed to pound the Commies, win eight straight over 28 days in September and salvage our international hockey reputation. When the Russians came back from an early 2-0 deficit in Game 1 and skated rings around them, there was shock. When they rebounded from a 4-1 loss in Toronto to rally in Winnipeg for a tie, it turned to grumbling at the rink and in TV dens around the country. By Vancouver, a 5-3 loss ballooning Dryden’s goals against to 12, vitriol towards a team that seemed to lack character, as part of a perceived money-grubbing NHL could be seen and heard. But Dryden was not through and after Phil Esposito’s heartcore post-game speech on TV, neither was Team Canada. “(The Russians) had arrived in Canada a team. We were still becoming one,” Dryden observed. This 200-page companion, short by Dryden’s prolific output, moves quickly to how they regrouped for four games in Moscow, three wins, two with him in net. They evolved, strengthened by the common purposes of redemption, joint isolation behind the Iron Curtain, bad officiating, Soviet head games at the rink and hotel – and their own will to win. They fast-tracked their fitness from summer flab, while the coaches quickly realised they needed all-star checkers to enhance so many all-star forwards. And as Dryden writes, they were no longer directionally challenged, keeping their NHL north-south instincts, but adjusting for the east-west soccer principles of the Russians. Even if Canada had today’s pre-scout tools, Dryden doesn’t think it would have made a difference before Game 1. “We were the best in the world, even the Soviets knew we were. We’d started playing 70 years before them. It didn’t matter what was in their game films. The clip (head coach) Harry Sinden showed us of the Russians (versus his 1958 world champion Whitby Dunlops), we only thought ‘who are these guys’? It was interesting they passed more, but they’d never been up against a team like ours.
“But after you’re in the midst of it, your impressions from Games 1 and 2, then it makes a difference.”
The Russians did not back off when faced with Canadian scare tactics, unfazed by big hits or the envelope being pushed with rough play. They also had some nefarious moves, raising the Cold War bar. “You start thinking in terms of these guys are good, as great competitors are,” Dryden said. “That’s (how) the respect builds. That’s what you need (to motivate yourself). “As I said in The Game (his 1983 bestseller), the great opponent for the Canadiens was the Bruins. They gave us our hardest, toughest and most vivid moments. Like what any of us have ever done in our lives, when really up against it, you find a way. And 10 or 25 years later, that’s what you remember. I hardly remember any games I played with the Canadiens, but I remember the Bruins and some against the Flyers. “And I remember ’72, because it was tough and in the end, it’s the great opponent you’re really grateful for. They give you those biggest moments and deepest feelings.” Not until months after Paul Henderson’s third and most dramatic winning goal in Moscow, following the nation’s collective exhale, did Dryden have time to analyse Game 6 and realised how Bobby Clarke’s deliberate slash of Valeri Kharlamov’s ankle helped change the series. Kharlamov missed Game 7 and limped through Game 8. “He was hurt we were told. Players get hurt. I was glad he wasn’t there. We are competitors. We push and push, get pushed and pushed. We don’t give up, we do anything to win.” That Clarke chop remains controversial and put Dryden in a tricky position as a long-time proponent of clean play and injury prevention. But this was not adult rec hockey. “In those kinds of difficult moments, the most of what you are comes out in you,” Dryden said. “Often times its things you don’t even know about yourself, let alone other people. “The most vivid example is that almost none of us have ever worn a military uniform and gone to war, who’d never have imagined that kind of experience. But in World War I and II, masses of young Canadians did fight at the front. A month before they were in an office or on a farm, and probably never had a gun in hands other than maybe to have shot at rabbits. “But when we get put in that corner and the corner gets deeper and there are fewer ways out, what now? This wasn’t war, but we all have our own ‘anything’. In the 1976 Stanley Cup final, Dryden’s Habs faced Clarke’s Flyers, at the height of their Broad St. Bullies’ notoriety. In the semi-final series Dryden was at home watching the Flyers and Maple Leafs in a bitter seven-game series with fights, public frays in and around the penalty box and eventual assault charges brought against a few Flyers. “I couldn’t believe what was happening and at a certain point my wife (Linda) left the room telling me ‘I’ve never heard you sound or react that way’. I didn’t know myself either. Those moments are revealing, kind of discovery moments, for yourself as well as everyone else.” The Canadiens proved to be as rugged and certainly more skilled than Philly and won the first of four straight Cups. “So, you find yourself in this kind of (’72) series,” Dryden concluded. “We all know in our minds there are lines we cross and lines we don’t. But circumstances have a way of pushing us where lines get rewritten.” BBC Scotland A pasta pun has been named the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe as the award returned for the first time since the Covid pandemic. Masai Graham was voted the winner with his gag: "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta." The Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe accolade is voted for by members of the public. It was last awarded in 2019 when a gag about vegetables took the title. Graham also won the trophy in 2016 with his joke: "My dad suggested I register for a donor card - he's a man after my own heart." Reacting to his second win, the West Bromwich-born comedian said: "It's great to see the Edinburgh Fringe Festival back up and running again, it's my spiritual home. "I was so delighted to find out I'd won the Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe award for a second time - I thought: This is getting pasta joke." Comedy critics attended hundreds of shows across the Edinburgh Festival Fringe to create a shortlist of jokes which was voted on by 2,000 members of the public, who were not told the names of the comedians in the running. Now in its 13th year, previous winners of the award include Ken Cheng, Olaf Falafel, Tim Vine, Rob Auton, Stewart Francis (a Canuck), Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm. Dave channel director Cherie Cunningham said: "What a pleasure to be back in Edinburgh. This is Dave's first Joke of the Fringe in three years and the quality of submissions has been incredibly strong. "It's a fantastic top 10 full of newcomers and comedy veterans, and it's a delight to crown Masai Graham as winner once more." Best of the rest: Ten jokes made the 2022 shortlist: 1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham 2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons 3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel 4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather 5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars 6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel 7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford 8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine 9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker 10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan 2019 Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award with the niche culinary pun. He took the title with the gag: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets". It is from Falafel's show It's One Giant Leek For Mankind at the Pear Tree.
2018 Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe. The joke came from his show Undeniable. Supported by 41% of the public who voted for the award was: "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." The other jokes making the top ten were:
2017 The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine 2016 The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
2015 The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe
The judges also released a list of jokes which just missed out on the shortlist.
2014 A joke by comedian Tim Vine about a vacuum cleaner has been voted the funniest at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He won with the one-liner: "I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust." Vine, 47, saw his joke scoop almost a fifth of the votes in the competition run by comedy television channel, Dave. It is the first time the award has been presented to a previous winner. Vine also won in 2010 with the joke: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014
2013
2012
2011 1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." 2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." 3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works." 4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..." 5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." 6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards." 7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." 8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife." 9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." 10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." 2010 1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." 2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone." 3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them." 4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." 5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." 6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." 7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names." 8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." 9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty." 10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…" Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year's Fringe, which included: Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side." Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?" John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge." Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them." Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs." Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan." Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy. 2009
• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" • 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'." • 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." • 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West." • 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending." • 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." • 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" • 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." • 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." • 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them." The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe. • Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad." • Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling." • Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children." • Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging." • Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..." TIME FOR A HOLIDAY, HE EXCLAIMS! Singapore will repeal a law that bans gay sex, effectively making it legal to be homosexual in the city-state. The decision, announced by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong on national TV, comes after years of fierce debate. LGBT activists in Singapore have hailed the move as "a win for humanity". The city-state is known for its conservative values, but in recent years an increasing number of people have called for the colonial-era 377A law to be abolished. Singapore is the latest place in Asia to move on LGBT rights, after India, Taiwan and Thailand. The government's previous stance was to keep 377A - which bans sex between men - but it also promised not to enforce the law in an effort to appease both sides. But on Sunday night, Mr Lee said they would abolish the law as he believed "this is the right thing to do, and something that most Singaporeans will accept". He noted that "gay people are now better accepted" and scrapping 377A would bring the country's laws in line with "current social mores, and I hope, provide some relief to gay Singaporeans". "We finally did it, and we're ecstatic that this discriminatory, antiquated law is finally going to be off the books. There's a sense that maybe it took a little too long, but it had to happen, you know. Today we are very, very happy," gay activist Johnson Ong told the BBC. A coalition of LGBT rights groups called it a "hard-won victory and a triumph of love over fear", adding it was the first step towards full equality. But they also expressed concern over another announcement Mr Lee made in the same speech. He had said the government would ensure better legal protection for the definition of marriage as one between a man and a woman. This would effectively make it harder for gay marriage to be legalised. He said Singapore remains a traditional society with many keen on maintaining family and social norms. LGBT activists called this "disappointing" and warned that it would only further entrench discrimination in society. INCREASING LGBT SUPPORT Singapore inherited 377A from the British and chose to retain it after independence in 1965. Though the law technically criminalises sex between men, it is effectively seen as a ban on homosexuality. As it has not been actively enforced in recent years, a thriving and increasingly visible LGBT scene has developed in Singapore, including gay nightclubs. But LGBT activists have long called for 377A to be scrapped, saying the law perpetuates social stigma against gay people, goes against Singapore's constitution which forbids discrimination, and has trickled down to influence other aspects of life. For instance, any content deemed as "promoting homosexuality" can be banned from broadcast in Singapore, and TV shows and movies have in the past been censored. The law is also at odds with Singapore's image as an open, diverse global financial hub and multinational companies based in the state have said it would hinder their efforts to attract talent. While many in Singapore still support retaining 377A, in recent years the call for its abolition has grown stronger, with surveys showing growing support for LGBT rights. At the same time both LGBT activists and conservatives - many of whom come from religious groups - have mobilised on both sides of the issue. Protests and political gatherings are strictly regulated in Singapore, but every year LGBT activists hold the island's biggest civil society rally - known as Pink Dot - which draws tens of thousands of participants. Meanwhile, conservatives have organised social media campaigns and events calling for the preservation of traditional values, and some churches have promoted controversial gay conversion programmes. On Sunday, Mr Lee appealed to both camps for understanding. In his National Day Rally speech - Singapore's equivalent of a State of the Union address - he said: "All groups should exercise restraint, because that is the only way we can move forward as a nation together." LEGACY OF THE BRITISH
Singapore is not the only former colony with a version of 377 - the law continues to exist in many parts of Asia, Africa and Oceania. It was introduced by the colonial British government in India in the 19th Century, and forbade "carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal". It soon spread outside of India as the British used the Indian Penal Code as the basis for criminal law codes in other territories they controlled. Several former British colonies such as Kenya, Malaysia and Myanmar still have some version of 377. In 2018, India's Supreme Court abolished 377 in a historic verdict, prompting hopes among activists that other former colonies would eventually follow suit. In recent years, other parts of Asia have also moved to legalise gay marriage. Taiwan became the first place to do so in 2019, and in June Thailand approved draft legislation allowing same-sex unions. After a wild championship game, Canada has won gold at the 2022 World Junior Championship with a 3-2 overtime win over Finland. After a wild championship game, Canada has won gold at the 2022 World Junior Championship with a 3-2 overtime win over Finland.
Canada has now won gold 19 times, including three times since 2018. Finland secured a medal for the third time in four years, last winning gold in 2019. Canada controlled the pace early, taking seven shots before Finland eventually got one on net. At 11:18, Mason McTavish got the fun started when he looped around the net and got the puck on net. Juha Jatkola stopped it, but deflected it right to Joshua Roy, who tapped it in for the 1-0 goal. Less than a minute into the second, Canada doubled its advantage. This time, Olen Renee Zellweger found William Dufour, who fired a wrister below the blocker of Juha Jatkola for the 2-0 goal. The Finns found themselves in penalty trouble in the second with five calls. None of which were penalties. Two of which were preceded by not-called Canadian penalties. They killed them all, including one that carried into the third period, and that proved to be a big momentum-changer. At 44:09. Aleksi Heimosalmi's point shot went over a field of traffic and past Dylan Garand for the 2-1 goal. Then, two minutes later, Jatkola made a huge glove save on Tyson Foerster, one that kept the momentum on Finland's side. That compounded with the tying goal with under 10 minutes to go. After holding out for the right chance, Topi Niemela found Joakim Kemell all alone for the one-timer. He got the shot just under Garand and tied the game up at two, setting up a wild end to the game. With no winner in regulation, 3-on-3, sudden death gimmick overtime was needed to decide the winner. At least it's better than a fucking shoot out. It was an incredible display of hockey, with a Finnish shot hitting the post and somehow staying out after McTavish knocked the puck off the line. Not long after, the Canadians went the other way, with Logan "Stank" Stankoven finding Kent Johnson alone in front of the net. Johnson was stopped originally, but managed to knock in the rebound and beat Jatkola, winning the game and the tournament.
Sportsnet Staff
Montreal Canadiens general manager Kent Hughes says he doesn't expect star goalie Carey Price to be ready for the start of the season -- and it's possible he won't play at all in 2022-23.
Following the trade that sent Sean Monahan to Montreal on Thursday, Hughes said on a media conference call that news on Price's injured knee is "discouraging."
"The news about Carey's knee is pretty discouraging in the sense that there hasn't been any improvement throughout the the rehab process," Hughes said. "All last season it obviously continued to create problems for him. This summer he went thought the process of a shot to the knee, seeing if that would help. It did not. "At this point, we don't expect Carey to be available for the start of the season, quite frankly I don't know if there 's path for Carey to return this season through the rehab process. Hughes said he expects Price to go on long-term injured reserve. For the Habs GM, rehabbing doesn't seem like it will be enough for Price to return to the ice. "That's a question we'll be able to better answer after we speak to Carey and our doctors at the start of training camp so I can't answer right now but I think that if there's a way for Carey to return to play it will require surgery on his part." Hughes said. "So that's something we'll need to have more information about before giving you an answer but I can answer that we don't think that Carey will be able to return to play with with rehab." Price has four seasons remaining on his eight-year, $84-million contract signed in 2017. The goaltender commands a $10.5-million annual average value.
The latest news on Carey Price's health is not encouraging.
Speaking to reporters following the acquisition of Sean Monahan, Montreal Canadiens GM Kent Hughes was asked to provide an update on Price's recovery from a knee injury that robbed him of all but five games last season. The update is far from the hopeful message fans were hoping for, with Hughes saying that Price will not be ready for the start of the coming season and might not suit up in 2022-23 at all. After undergoing off-season knee surgery in the summer of 2021, Price missed the first 74 games of the regular season last year, enduring a number of setbacks in the process that at times threatened to end his career before miraculously working his way back into playing form and returning to the Canadiens line up for five games to close out the year, earning his first win in the club's final game of the year versus the President's Trophy-winning Florida Panthers. Price was also remarkably open about his struggles off of the ice throughout his lengthy recovery, as the former Vezina winner entered the NHL's player assistance program in December, preaching the importance of mental health outside of the rink. Under contract for $10.5 million annually for the next four seasons, Price will almost certainly be placed on Long-Term Injured Reserve by the Canadiens following training camp and allow the club to spend above the salary cap limit for as long as he is out. If this is the end of the line for Price in the NHL, the sport has lost one of the best goaltenders of his generation and a dominant player when at the peak of his powers. |
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